so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
