I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize