she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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