Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
