I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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