I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
