Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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