i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
