i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
