her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
