I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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