After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
