shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
