I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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