This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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