You don't have asthma, your pregnant
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
