My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
