Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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