We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
