Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
