Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
