So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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