About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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