I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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