I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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