I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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