I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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