Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
