I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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