Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
