Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
