Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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