I'm so fucking centered right now
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
