I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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