I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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