Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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