mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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