waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
