the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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