im drinking this country out of the recession.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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