I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
