so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
