My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We are two peas in an std pod
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
