worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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