I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
