Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
