mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
