I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
4 words: hood of his car
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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