I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
