I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
