I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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