i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
don't judge my taste in strippers
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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