She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you had me at cake vodka
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
