dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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