My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
