dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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