It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
